I actually dug the Royal Rumble tonight. I mean it wasn't Starrcade '88 by any means, but still it was a good show. One of the better showings the 'E' has delivered in a while.
To kick start things, we have Tito Santana part dos: The Burrito Flies Again, defending the NWA/WCW International/WCW/Big Gold/ World's by Gawd Championship/World Heavyweight Championship against The Big Slow in a Last Man Standing match. I despise the Big Show. It's impossible for any one to work a good match with him, he's just horrible. He should be a battle royal specialists and a squash match here and there guy. However, if you're going for ultra-realism, and I don't know why you would be, he does have a believable finisher for a man his size: a punch, albeit the only man to ever pull off the punch finisher like a boss and a half was Ronnie Effin' Garvin.
Other random thoughts:
To kick start things, we have Tito Santana part dos: The Burrito Flies Again, defending the NWA/WCW International/WCW/Big Gold/ World's by Gawd Championship/World Heavyweight Championship against The Big Slow in a Last Man Standing match. I despise the Big Show. It's impossible for any one to work a good match with him, he's just horrible. He should be a battle royal specialists and a squash match here and there guy. However, if you're going for ultra-realism, and I don't know why you would be, he does have a believable finisher for a man his size: a punch, albeit the only man to ever pull off the punch finisher like a boss and a half was Ronnie Effin' Garvin.
A pre-match ego-stroke with Bret Hart, some crappy "Hitman" Glasses straight from the vault known as 1991, some loud echoing slaps, some ridiculous maneuvering on the entrance set and Del Rio hitting his head rather nasty like on the concrete, chairs, railings, fire extinguishers. and then a rather ingenious finish: Del Rio's personal ring announcer Ricardo Rodriguez (who is in a porn) pulled out some duct tape (if you can't duct it, f*@k it), and taped Show's legs together on the ropes while Del Rio had Biggin' in the Cross Armbreaker. When the hold was released, Show was selling that he couldn't use his arm, which had also been hammered with a steel chair while it was resting on the ring steps earlier in the contest(which had some brilliant 'let's hide this crap spot' camera work done to it), to push himself up and he had his feet taped to the ropes. Didn't make it to his feet before the 10 count, All of Mexico rejoices, Arrriba!
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| Photo:WWE |
Seriously, TBS's logo is a grizzly bear. I say have Show grow out his hair, grow an unworldly and unkempt beard, give him a costume with some grizzly hair all over it and then I would be slightly less annoyed by him. Or, keep his camo motif, and give him some cronies in camo/patrol uniforms and make the "The Border Patrol" and keep targeting Del Rio, who is Mexican. It makes sense. Do it. Linda ain't gonna' win no office anyways...
Team Hell No kept the big pennies(Tag Titles) after defeating Team Rhodes Scholars. I dig Damien Sandow. I dig Cody Rhodes' mustache. I like that Cody has that mustache. I like the fact he doesn't resemble his dad or brother in the slightest, because I actually don't really like Cody Rhodes. However, his mustache is awesome. Kane and Bryan's shtick is getting old to me. I appreciate having long-term tag teams in the WWE after seemingly 1,000 years without them...but I could do without so much of the comedy stuff. After some convoluted action, and the heels being good heels, Bryan trapped Sandow in the No Lock for the win.
The Rumble itself was about as good as it has been in several years. Ziggler decided to enter at number 1, break records, and make to Wrestlemania to unify the belts. Chris Jericho returned to the WWE at number 2, and completely tore the house down. Both he and Ziggy would remain in the contest for pretty much the duration. Dolph Ziggler, albeit not winning, did what his gimmick says, Stole the show.
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| Photo:WWE |
We also saw the return of Goldust, and the long awaited confrontation with the mustachioed little brother Cody, finally went down. They brawled, worked together, then brawled some more, until finally, Cody got the best of Dusty Jr. and eliminated him. Hopefully, they will now get their Wrestlemania show down, and it will be a mess of Rhodes family members, Nikita Koloff, and Magnum TA, and maybe even one of Dick Murdoch's old spit-cups for good measure.
Another guy who stayed in quite a while was Bo Dallas, who won the NXT Tournament to get a spot in the Rumble. Dallas is the son of Mike Rotunda, nephew of Barry and Kendall, grandson of Blackjack Mulligan, and he has to go by Bo Dallas? Why? it's almost as stupid as making Michael McGuillicuty go by, well, Michael McGuillicuty instead of using the Hennig name. To make matters worse, they reference constantly who these guys are related to and their bloodlines throughout their entire matches, almost to the level of Jim Ross' penchant for telling you so and so went to college at such place and played such sport. Dallas surprised a lot by his length of time in the Rumble, and even eliminated Wade Barrett, who pulled a Hulk Hogan and yanked Dallas out of the ring from the floor like he was Sid justice/Vicious/Psycho Sid/Lord Humongous.
Unfortunately, my man Brodus Clay was shown little respect as he spent a short time in the match and eliminated no one. He was featured in a vignette pre-Rumble due to his work with the anti-bullying campaign, so I had some hope he would have a good showing. Nope. His saving grace though, is that he was eliminated by 3 men.
Rey Myseterio also returned. I don't like Rey either. When he was a lawn dart in WCW or matched up with Psychosis, I was cool with him, or fighting one of 5000 Villanos. His "Dropping a Dime" is absurd, almost to the degree of his "West Coast Pop' and "619". You remember when he was roided up and he got the World HEAVYWEIGHT Title just for being Eddie's pal? I'm with Kevin Nash on how absurd it was putting the belt on him. Hell, there are kindergartners who are bigger than him at the local elementary.
Kofi Kingston's gimmick of finding unique ways to keep his feet from touching the floor looks like it is going to be a soon burnt out tradition in the Rumble. This year, he piggy backed Lord Albert of the Rising Sun to the Spanish Announce table, then got on top of it, teased jumping from it to the apron, until finally commandeering JBL's broadcast chair and using it as a pogo stick to get back into the ring... then he was eliminated after one near elimination within the span of 20 seconds.
Also making his return to the WWE was the Godfather, complete with Hoes, sorta'. More like escorts in the Hyatt lobby. He shimmied to the ring, puffed his cigar, then got a swift dismissal from Ziggler as soon as he stepped through the ropes. What did he care though? He shimmied back to the dressing room with his ladies.
Kane and Daniel Bryan cost each other the Rumble, as Bryan played the role of opportunists an eliminated his partner, then Kane returned the favor by refusing to assists Bryan back into the ring after Bryan had landed in the arms of Kane on the floor. It was mildly entertaining though, as the back and forth between the two while Bryan straddled Kane pleading with the Big Red Monster to put him back in the ring. Kane dropped him. More crap on Mondays with Dr. Shelby now. Yea.
I was really starting to worry that Sheamus was going to take gold again. His pasty ass looked as if he was going to get the push and be a two-time Rumble winner. Thankfully, it was not to be. Ryback made certain of that.
Speaking of Ryback, I'll be damned if just for a minute I thought they would let him have it. He was dominating fools, tossed Sin Cara out like he was an empty Taco Bell wrapper, and then threw fan favorite Randall Orton to the floor. I was actually sort of surprised that Ryback eliminated the Ace Pothead, as I figured Orton was going to be shoved down our throats again because he hasn't been caught smoking pot in two weeks or so. Randy just needs to move to Colorado, or TNA. Another thing, isn't it about time Randall started wearing a cast on his arm?
Of course, the tent pitching for Ryback was futile, and we knew it, because John Cena was still in the ring, and of course every hero has to make good on his promises when he is talking to the kids. He told them he was going to win, so he did. WWE couldn't afford to make him out to be the drunk little league coach who promises a pizza party and milkshakes, only to bail on the kids when there is a poker run at the Shriners on the same night.
People I'd rather have seen win the Rumble not already listed: Randy Mulkey, Iron Mike Sharpe, Alabama Jr. Heavyweight Champion Mike Jackson, Buddy Landell, David Arquette, my Dog, one of Flair's ex-wives or David Flair, or Tim Horner.
I really think it's a bad idea to have the Rumble be for the 'Mania match. That angle has ran it's course. They pigeonhole themselves into stuff that is predictable and un-suspenseful. Let's dig into some Crockett schemes and make it for a million dollar prize from now on..
Or get that big boot Dusty used to have for the Bunkhouse Stampede:
So John Boy won the Rumble. Going to 'Mania to face....
Mr. 1998, Rocky Maivia or C.M. Punk. The crowd as expected, was overly reved up for this one. They played a good bit of psychology, battling back and forth, inside and out of the ring, and even Punk selling a tweaking of his surgically repaired knee. Rock went to work on it and applied the sharpshooter to Punk. I couldn't believe my eyes. They were attempting to tell a story in the WWE and it was one that made TOTAL sense. Hell, Paul Heyman genuinely looked concerned, which is why he is the best possible guy to have on camera. He sells, and it doesn't come off as Another World-esque cheesy. All the set-up for "The People's Elbow"....
Then, the lights go out, ala ECW, and The Rock is attacked by some unseen and unknown assailants. Hmm, wonder who it was. All you hear is chaos in the background, grunts and groans and pulled punches and the classic 'shhh' sound. Michael Cole began to relay to the viewers, who couldn't see shit, that it was indeed The Shield who perpetrated the assault, and then you hear a crash.... Yup, they power bombed him through the Spanish Announce Table.
The stip was broken. Punk had The Shield attack the Rock, which was strictly forbidden by Mr. McMahon and was supposedly going to result in Punk being stripped on the spot. Only thing was, nobody could completely verify it was them, due to the lights being off. Hell, I like to think it was Manti Te'o's girlfriend who came in and attacked the Rock. Would have been a heck of a swerve.
So Punk hams it up, starts laughing shaking his head saying 'I don't know what happened' and laughs, the ref is not amused but has no way to prove who it was. Punk rolls Rocky to the ring. 1.2.3. Still champ.
or not....
Vince comes out, and says he knows good and well what just happened, and that he was indeed going to strip Punk of the belt. Immediately, visions of an awesome Wrestlemania IV-esque title tournament went through my mind. But, before the Chairman could get the words out, Rock pulled a Rocky Balboa "Hey, yo Tommy, I didn't hear no bell" and channels his inner Real American Hero, and says it ain't ending like that.
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| Photo:WWE |
Match is restarted and the Rock, who is selling what appears to be near-death kidney failure and a asthma attack, battles back, and delivers TPE and is crowned the New WWE Champion.
Up to the turnbuckles he goes, and it's a 1998 victory celebration on the ropes as he looks off into the crowd. The End.
Other random thoughts:
Punk's 'Macho Man' tribute elbow from the top is junk. It looks like shit. He needs to quit doing it.
It would have been an awesome bit of booking if indeed it was learned it was not the Shield who pummeled the Rock while the lights were off, and instead was a collection of other Heyman guys. In ECW, the lights going out meant Sabu was wreaking havoc. Could you imagine the, IWC nerd only, pop in the building if when the lights came back on and Sabu was standing in the ring in his pointing pose? I'd have shit my drawers. Throw in the Sandman and Raven for the other participants in the beat down, and you have maybe the best angle in 5 years go down. Until the following Raw, when they decide to start using all 3 of those men for months on end.
And, yes, The Rock should be held accountable for his blasphemous rip off of Dusty Rhodes' 'Hard Times' promo. my hand was reaching all right, for the remote to hit mute until that plagiarizing sum bitch was done butchering the greatest promo ever.
And Big E. Langston.... First time we have heard him talk on WWE programming i believe... Hopefully, the last time too.
Drew McIntyre looked like he hit hard when he was eliminated. Don't matter. He's Scottish and in a rock band gimmick. Let's play up the drunk Great Britain rocker a bit. Right now, he's just a tall Robert Gibson without any of Gibson's skill.
Santino Power-walked. Glad we got that in.
Zack Ryder. I don't think I could be any more tired of somebody. To me, he's a crappy Brutus Beefcake with a Twitter account.
I take back the trashing, to an extent of the Big Show, for I hate Khali worse. And David Otunga. Thanks a lot, Jennifer Hudson.
Let's see a title run for the Prime Time Players, please. That 'millions of dollars' stuff gets me every time. it's fun, and I dig the big Chocolate Lab and Buckwheat Cena.
Also, noticed a lot of Colt Cabana shirts in the audience. Hard to imagine the current NWA didn't want to do whatever it took to keep him around their title scene.
Like anything, it had some hits and some misses, sure as heck beat watching the Pro Bowl, though.
But, yeah, I like Rasslin'.
Rumble participants and eliminations:
Entry Number
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Name
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Eliminated
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Eliminated By
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1
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Dolph Ziggler
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The Godfather
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Sheamus
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2
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Chris Jericho
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Drew McIntyre
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Dolph Ziggler
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3
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Cody Rhodes
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Santino Marella, Goldust, Kofi Kingston
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John Cena
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4
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Kofi Kingston
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Tensai, Darren Young
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Cody Rhodes
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5
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Santino Marella
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Cody Rhodes
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6
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Drew McIntyre
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Chris Jericho
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7
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Titus O'Neil
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Sheamus
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8
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Goldust
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Cody Rhodes
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9
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David Otunga
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Sheamus
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10
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Heath Slater
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John Cena
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11
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Sheamus
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Titus O'Neil, David Otunga, Jinder Mahal
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Ryback
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12
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Tensai
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Kofi Kingston
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13
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Brodus Clay
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Chris Jericho, Heath Slater, Cody Rhodes, Sheamus and Darren Young
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14
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Rey Mysterio
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Wade Barrett
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15
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Darren Young
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Kofi Kingston
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16
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Bo Dallas
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Wade Barrett
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Wade Barrett
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17
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The Godfather
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Dolph Ziggler
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18
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Wade Barrett
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Rey Mysterio, Bo Dallas
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Bo Dallas
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19
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John Cena
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Heath Slater, Cody Rhodes, Antonio Cesaro
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Winner
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20
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Damien Sandow
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Ryback
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21
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Daniel Bryan
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Antonio Cesaro
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22
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Antonio Cesaro
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Daniel Bryan
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John Cena
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23
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The Great Khali
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Kane
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24
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Kane
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The Great Khali
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Daniel Bryan
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25
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Zack Ryder
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Randy Orton
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26
|
Randy Orton
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Zack Ryder
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Ryback
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27
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Jinder Mahal
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Sheamus
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28
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The Miz
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Ryback
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29
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Sin Cara
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Ryback
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30
|
Ryback
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Damien Sandow, Sin Cara, The Miz, Randy Orton, Sheamus
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John Cena
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Total Rumble Time: 55 minutes, 5 seconds
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