In which Smooth Dave settles in for a long summer of baseball games, thoroughbred races, and bourbon; laments fantasy baseball with newfound obsessive Nate Rice, and lets Nate cry foul over his potential Swing & Swim absentia…
I rolled into the Rice Compound the other day under the usual auspices of GMH* and intensive evening gambling punctuated by bourbon on the rocks and proposition wagering. I knocked on the door to find the MLB Network blaring across the room at full roar and Nate Rice doubled up on his side in a heap on the couch. I nearly tripped over one of the various empty Gatorade quart-sized bottles on the floor as I made my way over to him. Furious sweat beads had formed all over his forehead as he lay opposite a partially-consumed fifth of Ridgemont Reserve and moaned incessantly about his guts hurting. I was sure this was the end-- Adam LaRoche or Todd Frazier, one or the other, had finally finished him.
“What the hell is wrong with you?”
“It’s my guts, Dave-- I haven’t crapped in 2 and a half days, I ran 5 ½ miles earlier, and I positively think I am going to DIE. Goldschmidt got another RBI a minute ago, though.”
“All right, too much information. Without grossing me completely the hell out--why?”
“It’s all this damn running, I guess. I have bubble gut from hell. It started the other day when I took an Immodium before I went out for my long weekend run, since I knew I was gonna be out there for nearly two hours without anywhere to take a deuce. Then I got back and found out my old lady had grilled ribeyes, and my dumb ass sits right down and eats like a horse. No shower, no water, only regard for *uuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh* how damn famished I was. I should’ve ate some vegetables. I should’ve ate anything. So between that, the running, the booze, and all this Gatorade I‘ve been drinking, I guess my guts are just as dehydrated as it gets. I’m in a real f***ing fix here, Dave.”
I looked over on the coffee table and saw a recently-opened tub of Metamucil next to a half a 20-ounce cup of gelatinized orange glop.
“How much of this crap did you EAT? HOW MUCH DID YOU PUT IN THERE?”
“Shit, I dunno, Dave. A bunch. I mixed it like Tang. Sure doesn’t taste like Tang, though. That junk is thiiiiiiiiick. Doesn’t taste as good, either.”
After a cursory glance at the Metamucil tub and some quick math, I discovered Nate had ingested 32 grams of insoluble fiber in a span of about 45 minutes. The U.S. RDA suggests you eat 20 grams per day. Most adults don’t even eat 10. His guts weren’t going to be hurting for much longer.
Not long after that Rice ran, and I do mean ran, upstairs for another 45-minute stretch of very necessary Alone Time, leaving me alone with the Ridgemont and the boys on MLB Tonight to keep me entertained like they have so many other nights this spring. Your narrator hasn’t been too keen on Baseball Tonight since Peter Gammons left the Mothership for a limited schedule on MLB and NESN. It’s a fun way to follow West Coast baseball for those of us sans DirecTV. On the best nights the action hops around the nation at the rate of a jackrabbit on peyote, with the studio announcers somewhat struggling to keep up. When that happens the guys in the booth usually have the good sense to turn it over the local announcers. Particularly when one Vincent Scully is involved, the coverage rivals the NFL RedZone channel for both pace and excitement. That is the highest of high compliments, as Smooth Dave believes the NFL RedZone channel to be the greatest invention since paper or distilled alcohol, whichever came first.
Anyhow, Smooth Dave put a little bourbon on ice and looked over Nate’s draft results. Not terribly horrifying… [* = Keeper]
*1. Kershaw Top-3 pitcher by any measure
*2. Verlander for Wieters (7th) Dubious trade, but I say the jury’s still out. V's been getting hit. If Wieters had another 4-5 HR and 40 OPS points, this would be interesting...
3. A. Jackson Led the AL in runs before injury, should return late next week
*4. D. Wright Consistently a top-20 to top-30 player all season long
5. J. Kipnis for Balfour (20th) & Street (22nd) Struggled early due to injury, but was coming on at the time of the deal. Balfour solid, but Street on DL w/ allegedly minor calf injury
6. M. Bumgarner 2.50 ERA through May 15th, 6.35 ERA since
*7. J. Lester for Kimbrel (8th) Started solid, struggled slightly of late, low K/9; Kimbrel a beast, should be top-3 in MLB in saves for last 4 months
8. LaRoche Mr. Inconsistency. When he’s hot, he’s hot. When he’s not…
*9. Goldschmidt Your National League MVP Through June 7th Unless You Like CarGo
10. Alexei Ramirez No power, but consistent speed and OBP. I’ll keep him.
11. Hardy The inverse of Ramirez. Super power + RBIs, no speed. A fine duo.
12. T. Frazier MVP for a Week. It was a very good week.
13. R. Doumit Abysmal out of the gate, has been mashing since May 20th.
14. Hanigan Cut due to injury, has played average-to-poorly at the plate
15. H. Kendrick My best draft pick. Should be batting 2nd, not 6th, for the Angels.
16. Span Leads off, has speed,
17. J. Johnson That one 4-blown save stretch aside, he’s been just fine.
18. Detwiler Cut due to injury, couldn’t strike anyone out
19. J.P. Arencibia Super Power, no OBP, Mr. K-swinging.
20. D. Robertson Mr. K/9
21. Mesoraco Worst draft pick; homerism; booze
22. Miley Streamer
23. Parmalee Struggled early, could be decent for someone w/ depth issues in OF
24. C. Young Been Injured, batting .178, plus power, pass
25. Venable Solid player in a platoon role
26. Jay Keeps slipping in Cards’ lineup. But they score throughout…
27. Reimold Oops. So much for career year
28. Arcia Oops, but getting playing time now
29. G. Floyd Out for year with injury
30. J. Singleton Oops
The additions of Kelly Johnson and Colby Rasmus have been consistently helpful for the HGH+ Factory, as have periodic spot starts by (Send-It-In!) Jerome Williams, Bronson Arroyo, Zach McAllister, Tyler Lyons, and now Phil Hughes. Though there have been a series of turds, too (Ted Lilly, Jhoulys Chacin, any White Sox), the streamers have been encouraging on the whole. At any rate, we can all be assured Kelly Johnson will continue to provide more everyday value than Heath F***ing Bell. Also, the Factories and the Mashers are the only teams who didn’t lose any ground on Free Hat in the standings through May and early June. Landon had to go 12-0 last week to only lose one game. Congrats on the general badassery, but good luck doing that on a consistent basis.
I’ve spoken at length with Rice, and he plans to be there on the 15th for Wiffle-Ball Action, rain or shine, chock full of GMH and Metamucil, and well-equipped with a convincing supply of fruit punch Gatorade and Maker’s Mark in a plastic flask for steady consumption throughout the contest. Smooth Dave will be attending a cockfight at an undisclosed location with Michael Vick's brother, Marcus, and cannot attend. Though still rangy and in his prime at just past 29, Rice anticipates playing a lot of left field due to his canny ability to play the OF corner and his sad-sack throwing arm. A team player, Rice has no qualms with batting 5th or 6th in a 6-man lineup, giving him both opportunities for RBI and runs scored as a table-setter for the top of the lineup. Plus, having quit smoking last summer and resumed running in road races, Rice has found renewed endurance and ability to maintain Zen-like focus in pursuit of a solitary goal. A 7-for-16 day at the plate featuring several extra-base hits due to aggression coming out of the box and a series of OF putouts isn’t beyond reasonable consideration for the erstwhile Catlettsburg All-Star. While that wouldn’t merit MVP consideration, Nate has clued me in about some horrid 2-for-17 performances turned in by nameless members of the 64/60 in past editions of the S&S, and certainly anticipates he wouldn’t fall into those abysmal depths in his first showing. Nate, his old lady, two of his attorneys, and Smooth Dave are headed for subtropical sands on the 13th of July, rendering his official participation in the S&S sadly moot. He says he’ll treat the trial event very seriously, and by that he means he’ll drink very seriously, and, well, I believe him.
*If you don’t know what GMH means, ask Smooth Dave or Todd Whitley next time you’re in touch with them.
GMH
ReplyDelete